this is progress

what meets the eye

Tue, 28 Oct 2003 01:40:38 GMT

"one day you'll be next to me
as close to my heart, then anytime before
standing next to me in an elevator
waiting for your floor
and we will forget how we first met
but like all those times before
we'll get caught up in the stare
and forget about our floor"

that was for senate.

we got your answers right here

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 03:27:56 GMT

i didn't want to tell him to put on his best suit
so i could watch him up the stairs to his house
deciding that was the last time
i'd get that close
killing silence with reasons
the only reasons i kept hanging on
thinking maybe distance was sweeter
from the other side of the grass
and so im standing still
locked in a thought
thats still not so clear
knowing he really had no idea
my intentions of this
very last night
or sorts
and dimensions
and lost intentions
over a decadence of dreams.

an extended five minutes

Sun, 26 Oct 2003 03:44:03 GMT

i saw him out of the corner of my eye. rounding the corner with the streetlight casting a glare on his face. he fell into a shadow, and walked in the lights death. i could see his toothpick figure pull the cell phone from his ear just as we said our goodbyes, and stuff the contraption in his pocket. he digged deep down as if he was trying to hide it from sight. he pulled them out of his pockets and relaxed them at his side as he made hsi way across the street and into the stairwell. his tattered blue jeans dragged behind his feet as he took step after step up the stairs. all the while holding his james dean persona. if only it was a collared oxford on his back instead of a blue cotton blend. but he held the color well and his dirty blonde whispers of hair fell across his forehead like a goodnights sleep hitting a pillow.

and there he was.

around and around and around

Fri, 24 Oct 2003 23:13:29 GMT

anything that has do with you puts me in the fowlest moods
and im not sure why
but seriously
the mere mention of your name and my hand is grabbing at the trigger
like it would be easier to discontinue myself
then to erase you
thats so fucking sad
and not even an attempt to be poetic
im just telling it like it is
you fucking drive me up a god damn wall
by doing nothing,
nothing,
thats right nothing at all.

formatted to fit your screen

Tue, 21 Oct 2003 04:05:39 GMT

this smile is a smirk.
of situations that never work,
and the ways a body can contort,
oh those words i thought id sort.
but now im sifting sand,
of ideas that have run bland,
in some far and distant land,
where you and i may stand.
but never is not close,
for what you may have proposed,
a diary is just to dispose,
those insides that wont compose,
so have your journal fun,
a battles never won,
until your left as the only one,
who's work is never done.

here

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 18:16:49 GMT

it's when i know what you are going to say
and i'm secretly typing it out for you
just so i know
just so i can be right
running my hands over every detail of the keyboard
punching the right keys
just to get you to say
what i want you to
and its right when
i get you hitting the backspace
that i know
its no secret
we dont really want to be online anymore

answers to easy questions

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 15:25:54 GMT

what am i supposed to say anymore that i havent already said. ive already danced around words in heavenly pink ballerina shoes laced right up to my thigh. white tightd glued to my skin as if i had a different body to live in. but it'd frighten you to watch me eat as i stuffed bottles of despair down my throat in my own room. how i take hours to digest the meat in my sleep hoping ill wake up a new weight and shake off my destiny. i just want to wear big boots. dance in puddles in the middle of the street. splashing up scenes in a distant memory of what childhood used to be like. waiting on the sidewalk hoping a wave from the cars would drift your way and take you away. following a river of water through a quiet town. once upon a july afternoon. where the sun doesnt quite hit your shoulders so you think you should grow up some more, and the stars at night remind you how many people you know have died. those are spirits watching you sleep, envious of your dreams. and i wonder when im next. when do i leave my delicate dance and monsterous puddles for a walk down the straight and narrow. where everyone will know my name. where i dont have to say a goddamn thing but hello and goodbye.

Sat, 18 Oct 2003 04:41:11 GMT

RADIOHEAD IS THE CURE.

come, take me home

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 17:23:51 GMT

they will only be words to live by
until you make them concrete
and unless you want to keep walking on eggshells
you might as well sleep with a dictionary
there are too many words to describe
this situation
so tell me whats the problem
another girl got your tongue?
saturday nights
sitting across from you
at this table made for two
is like eating with the ghost of mr muir
becoming like the widowed mrs
missing hugs and kisses
im thinking empty thoughts
starving for just a taste of your skin
but you only keep me
on the otherside of this phone
promises are dying
and youve stopped trying
to meet me in the middle of things

10/14/03

Wed, 15 Oct 2003 03:51:20 GMT

i'd really like to know if anyone has a map to get me out of this mess.

sunrise after sunrise after the last stone is set

Sun, 05 Oct 2003 05:55:48 GMT

i'm not a bitter girl, oh no.
i've got my emotions under control.
until its time to crash and burn.
until its time to live and learn.

and from those seats i could feel the sonic barrier breaking the ice the devil was stuck under. souls creeping and crawling from the fishes spine. water leaking into rivers of lost time. not even dali could keep his eggs on a plate. lets not even count the hens. all feathered in their dens. i've got a mouthful of dust, to fill holes at both ends. and as you were sliping through the cracks of the ice, i was staring into the godly whites. pretty eyes for a dull night. ungodly sins for a weathered fight. and i bet i wouldnt win. keeping emotions within. dealing with thick and thin. and i bet i wouldnt win. and i bet i wouldnt win.

check under the bed

Sun, 21 Sep 2003 04:39:12 GMT

i see no difference
in your pitiless
ignorance
a core value
uncoded by
discriminance
we are all ghosts
decorating a past
thick white walls
never last
with a loaded gun
tucked in at night

Thu, 04 Sep 2003 17:48:43 GMT

a girl losses interest if she is not taken advantage of.

everything from your body

Wed, 03 Sep 2003 18:51:48 GMT

if i could purge myself of everything i loathe,
then i'd be a little white bunny with baby blue eyes.
instead of becoming that black cat,
crossing in front of your tracks.

oh, nevermind.

Tue, 02 Sep 2003 18:02:27 GMT

i want to cut the word hate into my shoulder. not for anyone but for myself. im so filled up with hate right now. they would pay for me to talk to them. and fill their heads with my theories on how the world is self desctructing itself right down to the inner core and how we ignore every gut feeling we get because we give too much value to our personal intuitions. i think to much. i think to much. i think to much. i stick my nose up to to people who walk by becuase i saw exactly what hitler was thinking. he was a bastard. but he knew we all segregate ourselves and will always do that regardless of any movement. we do it through music, clothes, and race. we like our individuality when its accompanied by a hundred fellow followers. i want to segregate myself. into this tiny cold room. and my window would be my only way of communication. if the blinds were down the shop would be closed. i couldnt blame anyone from wanting to take a peek every now and then. theres a monster growing inside here. and no closet can contain me.

Sat, 30 Aug 2003 18:45:24 GMT

it was just one of those times, ya know.

heading out on a train

Wed, 20 Aug 2003 23:00:34 GMT

i've wanted to slice everything to peices. and take it into my hands. like clay. molding, molding, molding it until it just crept into the crevices of each hand. until i wanted to be the art. im so tired of looking at everything in linear lines. plot me in a plane and make me over. ive got enough stripes to breed a zoo in these pants. and to hell with all these raves and rants. someone has to always follow me with a dust pan. because these peices are molding, molding, molding from the skin ive shed from each hands.

don't ever go away from here, and i will never go away

Thu, 14 Aug 2003 17:04:01 GMT

i dreamt about you all night long. i kept thinking about winters and how i used to shake as i drove the five minutes from your house to mine. how the heat would always kick in just as i pulled into my driveway. how i used to leave my window cracked just a little to hear you walking up the sidewalk. the candles i always had lit and how they just made me feel at ease. the times i would listen to your cd on repeat and eat ramen soup on the floor. i dreamt about seeing you at barnes a nobles and you never knowing i was there those thousands of times. i tossed and turned remembering all those awkward silences on your couch. on your floor. in your presence. i just kept thinking i was wasting time. i should have told you millions of things. well, i'm ready now.

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 20:25:38 GMT

fuck full albums.
i'm taking the cream of the crop.

Tue, 12 Aug 2003 15:18:45 GMT

i really think that other people have made me crazy.
i am just a product of their thoughts and messages.

i can smell the ocean air

Sun, 10 Aug 2003 15:47:33 GMT

"as a kid i remember locking myself in the room,
blanket over the lamp,
only light coming from the moon.
it was there id sit, think about life,
watch the clock hands over,
knowing this is how time flies by.
if only i could hit pause and put the world at a still,
then contemplate timetravel
at this lonely windsill
because ive been on my own
since it feels like i was five
but dreaming is the only way i know im still alive. "

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 18:42:19 GMT

i was listening to him talk about love and i thought to myself, god i love being in love. its not so much that i love sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring or driving by his house a thousand times wondering where he is if he isnt home. its more that i just love that feeling. not having to sit for hours on make out club looking at potentials. or spend the same amount of time wondering why everyone is holding a guys hand besides me. finding myself questioning sexuality, and lifestyles, hobbies, clothings, hair, makeup wondering if i really did do something wrong. all along, i was just blending in with the background. the type of girl you see in the backshot of the movie scene. that desperate one where the guy is searching for his girl, the one girl, that girl, and im in the background picking my nose or something. yeah. thats me.

the age old response

Mon, 28 Jul 2003 18:32:25 GMT

[scattered]
sometimes i think people think to much, instead of finding a point, they find a reason for the point, and the thoughts behind the reason, and what instigated that thought to begin with.

all i want to say in this post is that i'm feeling pretty new right now,
not spiffy,
not shiny,
this isn't a "im on a road" to any sort of recovery,
this is just
lets say,
phase iii.

shouting to the doctor, help me, please save me, please

Sat, 26 Jul 2003 17:48:32 GMT

after the car crash, when everyone can see
how i drove you mad.
i was in the passenger seat driving the whole time.
i had one hand on your thigh pulling at the threads of your baby blues.
wishing we were under the trees looking at the stars of the city.
the ones that seem so dimly lit.
and i would name one, after the first night we met.
because you were too quick for my sight, and i let you slip.
right past the conscience of my lips.
if only i caught your name back then,
i'd never have to let ever sink in again.
so why can't i just let the car tires spin?

Thu, 24 Jul 2003 00:28:27 GMT

"love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, and yet, trusting them not to..."